what the fuck kind of language is english??? bitch i'll kill you
i wish i had more iz mutuals on twitter, i wanna make aus and jokes and hcs and stuff hrghh
but most of the iz fandom on twitter is nasty af iighhh
some tak sketches i drew today
very personal vent below, its negative so dont read if that will upset you
im just so angry, idk if the psych meant it by saying "your not depressed" or if it was worded poorly BUT I MEAN REALLY??? i know he probably just assumed that bc i am absolutely Not Honest about myself, i cant talk about myself/what im thinking/whats going on, i hate hate HATE it. i cant do it, i play down whats going on bc i literally cannot talk about myself and at the same time im second guessing everything bc i dont seem as bad as others and other times im convinced im Not ill bc IM NOT!!!
sat there thinking 'god i really want to kill myself rn, it would be so easy just to crash my car at high speed into a tree' BUT im painfully aware of how that would affect others close to me and i Do Not want to put them through that.
these delusions and paranoia dont help but i still just cant SAY that, its not as simple as 'just say it, just do it' and nobody seems to get that. i dont want to think about it, i dont want to think about being positive people are out to hurt me or that they can read my thoughts, i dont want to think about being depressed and wanting hurt myself and die, i dont want to think about many of the other awful things that are lingering in my mind bc then if i do it becomes real and i Dont want to deal with that.
that i dont function 'normally', i cant remember shit and i dont think about a lot of things others do so im stuck living in the moment. my brain is broken and theres no fixing it, im aware that its ok etc but i cant accept that when its so painfully obvious in every interaction i have. i hate it.
and above all, i DONT want to talk about it, i dont want to be asked "are you ok?" bc no. im not. so the polite "yeah im alright" is what i go to bc i Still cant be honest about myself and Still hate talking about it.
im aware that the people close to me care about me, im not someone who needs to be reminded constantly. im very aware im just emotionally constipated on top of everything.
and i appreciate it, really. but you dont need to force yourself to do that.
this is about as honest as i can be about myself rn so i'll end it here.
i baby sat last night and all day today and by the time the kids left my schizophrenia was playing jump rope with my brain (unrelated to the kids tho, i like having them here), i had about two hours to myself before i went to the RSL for my sister's husband's birthday and had tea, i was dreading it bc i was having delusions but i ended up having a good time
now i go back to dreading/getting paranoid about talking to people and getting calls and not wanting to go to my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow etc
but on another note i was invited by my aunt and uncle to a possible trip to western australia but it was mostly just tossing the possibility about since theyre still planning where to go with my sister
hmm i never know what to say but im always here tho (￣▽￣)b
HHFHFHFH i am reeling bc of this weird thing that just happened, someone on tumblr i follow posted a wip of some character designs they did earlier and i really liked this owl design they did and just now they posted the finished versions and BEHOLD that owl shares my name which is Tara! oof